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The son is not good, who is to blame? 子不教,谁之过?

在之前的新闻中我们已经谈论了自律的重要性了,那么现在我要说的是很多家长都很关心的问题,“为什么我的孩子缺少自律呢?”

孩子缺少自律,不全是因为父母管教不严。事实上,大部分中国家长都经常用严厉的责备和体罚来管教孩子,但是这样的教育只会起到负面的作用。父母是孩子的第一任老师,是孩子们学习的榜样。如果父母自己不做好,就不可能让孩子做好。有些家长经常会告诉自己的孩子:“你不要管我怎么做,你好好照我说的做就行了!”他们让孩子听自己的话,却在孩子面前抽烟酗酒,烂醉如泥、满口脏话、拳脚相加。这些家长没有一个长辈最起码的自制力、尊严和理性:他们不注意自己的行为举止,他们容貌邋遢,他们偷奸耍滑、背信弃义。这些父母的生活毫无自律可言,却强迫孩子要积极向上、有条不紊的生活,结果可想而知。假如一个父亲老是三天两头殴打孩子的母亲,那么母亲因为哥哥欺负妹妹而对其进行惩罚又有什么意义呢?怎么能指望孩子听她的话呢?

对孩子来说父母就是他们模仿的对象,他们会将父母的言行和处理方式全盘接受下来。所以相应的,如果父母懂得自律、自制、和自尊,每天的生活都尽然有序,遇到问题时也能心平气和,那孩子就会把这样的生活当成理所当然的。

除了家长自己要做好,还有很重要的一点是父母需要给予孩子足够的爱。很多家长们可能会说,“这当然了,我很爱我的孩子啊!吃的、喝的都是我提供的,这还不够吗?”但是我要说的是,仅仅这样的爱是真的不够。如果我们爱某样东西,我们就会花时间欣赏它,了解它和照料它。就好像,一位热爱园艺的老人,他会花时间弄明白自己种的每种植物的不同,并根据它们的不同而浇水、施肥、修剪、除虫、嫁接、移植。同样的,父母对子女的爱也是一样,不仅需要花时间和精力陪伴孩子,更关键的是需要学习有关的内容(比如儿童或青少年心理学)才能知道孩子的问题,找到最适合孩子的方法。


We've talked about the importance of self-discipline in the previous news, so now I'm going to talk about the question that many parents are concerned about, "Why is my child lacking self-discipline?"

The lack of self-discipline in children is not entirely due to poor parenting. In fact, most Chinese parents routinely discipline their children with harsh reprimands and corporal punishment, but such education can only play a negative role. Parents are children's first teachers and role models for children to learn from. If parents do not do well themselves, it is impossible for their children to do well. Some parents often tell their children: "You don't care what I do, you just do as I say!" They let their children listen to their own words, but they smoke and drink in front of their children, get drunk, swear, punch and kick. add up. These parents do not have the least self-control, dignity, and rationality of an elder: they don't pay attention to their behavior, they look sloppy, they cheat and treachery. These parents live without self-discipline, yet force their children to lead positive, orderly lives, with predictable results. If a father beats his child's mother every day, what's the point of punishing her brother for bullying her younger sister? How can you expect a child to listen to her?

For children, parents are the objects of their imitation, and they will fully accept their parents' words, deeds and handling methods. So accordingly, if parents know self-discipline, self-control, and self-esteem, their daily life is orderly, and they can be calm when they encounter problems, then children will take such a life for granted.

In addition to the parents themselves, there is a very important point that parents need to give their children enough love. Many parents may say, "Of course, I love my children! I provide food and drink, isn't that enough?" But what I want to say is that this kind of love alone is true is not enough. If we love something, we spend time appreciating it, understanding it and caring for it. It's like, an old man who loves gardening, he takes the time to figure out the difference in each plant he grows and waters, fertilizes, prunes, deworms, grafts, transplants according to their differences. In the same way, parents' love for their children is the same. Not only do they need to spend time and energy with their children, but more importantly, they need to learn relevant content (such as child or adolescent psychology) in order to know their children's problems and find the most suitable method for them.

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